I started this post long ago. I just put the title and somehow did nothing but save the title. Now that I am a little free I thought of completing it.
Do I have the credentials to write it? Maybe. I am not trained in Psychology rather I am an engineer. My Strength for writing this piece comes from the fact that I and my wife parented two children and I have many years experience of mentoring my juniors on this issue(when advice is sought by them) as part of my job as their immediate senior (wondering how come? This is a part of my duty in the organisation I work with). I will touch upon only two points though there could be some more.
Do I have the credentials to write it? Maybe. I am not trained in Psychology rather I am an engineer. My Strength for writing this piece comes from the fact that I and my wife parented two children and I have many years experience of mentoring my juniors on this issue(when advice is sought by them) as part of my job as their immediate senior (wondering how come? This is a part of my duty in the organisation I work with). I will touch upon only two points though there could be some more.
Let me also mention that the views expressed here are mine and no one needs to agree with it.
The first is about the Growth of the Child. A child is an asset of God handed over to us to nurture. It is natural for each parent to strive to give the best that can be provided to the child. But the Best that is provided is the Best in the opinion of Parents and is dictated by the social standing and taste of parents and not by practicality. Affordability is also a factor.
The first is about the Growth of the Child. A child is an asset of God handed over to us to nurture. It is natural for each parent to strive to give the best that can be provided to the child. But the Best that is provided is the Best in the opinion of Parents and is dictated by the social standing and taste of parents and not by practicality. Affordability is also a factor.
Let me give one or two examples. Not purely hypothetical, parents send their child to a play, KG or Primary school from say Colaba in Mumbai to Andhari by a (AC) bus. The child travels for about 1.5 to 2 hrs one way. What kind of energy this child would be left by the end of the day is a moot question. Why go that far? Because in the opinion of the Parents, no school in Colaba is fit enough for their Prince / Princess. They want to provide the best to the Child (best as understood by them) but in turn, the child is getting fatigued by this unnecessary travel on a daily basis, which is conveniently overlooked by the Parents in their ZEEL! to provide the best.
Many parents force their children to learn not one, not two, sometimes three or even more things like Synthesizer, Tennis, Singing, etc. They also force their children to take up subjects that the parents desire, not the subjects at which the child is good or has the aptitude.
It is my opinion that the parents in such cases are trying to relive their young age and trying to force their child to get what they could not get as a child. If I have to get a little harsher, making the child achieve what the parent(s) could not achieve in their younger days. The dream of the child is damned in this whole process.
How will Tulsidas become Aryabhatta (they are of different ages but I am giving this example to highlight their fields of mastery)? If someone had forced Tulsidas ji to learn astrophysics and become like Aryabhatta, he would have neither become a great Poet nor an Astrophysist of Aryabhatta's repute.
We, the parents are the custodians of the child on behalf of the Almighty (and let's not get into the debate of what that Almighty is called). Have you ever seen a gardener forcing a plant or tree to grow at 90 degrees from its vertical growth? Yes, sometimes it does happen that the plants or trees are forced for some specific purpose but most plants are not. we are gardeners and our task is to nurture the plant called child, provide him warmth, love care and guidance and we should let the child bloom.
We, the parents are the custodians of the child on behalf of the Almighty (and let's not get into the debate of what that Almighty is called). Have you ever seen a gardener forcing a plant or tree to grow at 90 degrees from its vertical growth? Yes, sometimes it does happen that the plants or trees are forced for some specific purpose but most plants are not. we are gardeners and our task is to nurture the plant called child, provide him warmth, love care and guidance and we should let the child bloom.
Everyone is gifted naturally in one or the other field. we should let the child grow in the field in which he/she is gifted. We should let the child live his life and not force him to relive our own life and force him to achieve something that we could not in our own lives.
The second point is constantly comparing their own children with other siblings or other children or praising one child to demean the other child. Let me go back to what I said. Every one of us is naturally gifted. even within two children of the family, both may be good at similar subjects or it may be so that one is good at science subjects and the other at humanities.
The second point is constantly comparing their own children with other siblings or other children or praising one child to demean the other child. Let me go back to what I said. Every one of us is naturally gifted. even within two children of the family, both may be good at similar subjects or it may be so that one is good at science subjects and the other at humanities.
One may be brilliant the other may be average in studies but remember, the other child would be good at something else. Then why do parents constantly praise one child in front of another and chide children for some (actual or perceived) non-performance in some field where one child is good and other is good in something else.
Why don't the parents understand that no two individuals are made the same by Almighty? We are not the products of a production line, we are handcrafted (thus each item is different from others). Even for items produced through a production line, maybe one after the other, experience indicates that these similar products made on the same production line at nearly at the same time also behave differently. While one operates smoothly the other gives trouble. When there is no uniformity in the performance of items produced in the production line, how are children with distinct personalities, minds and bodies supposed to have the same nature and strength areas? Even to think so is illogical.
I have been a witness to the ill effects of such compassion constantly done by one or both parents (or even by near relatives, grandfather, grandmother, etc). But the examples that I am giving are representative but based on some experience.
One brother is brilliant and the other has been made to feel that he is not good enough so he has become an alcoholic. One sister is a beauty and grace and the other sister is belittled so she ends up doing all wrong. Such a constant act of parents may even result into to not so bright (in parents' opinion) child, when faced with failure, with fear of constant jibs by parents, ending his life. Why do we let our own children reach that despair?
The solution is very simple but I wonder how many would imbibe it. Understand and accept the fact that your offspring may share some virtues and vices of yours but he/she is an individual with own characteristics. Identify his / her strengths areas and weaknesses areas and use the fundamentals of the SWOT technique of management.
In SWOT technique (Duly adapted for this topic), the Strengths areas of the child should be identified and they are leveraged for making the best of the opportunities arising out of the strength area, As for Weaknesses, they are corrected when required such that they don't become Threats to the child's future and if weaknesses of the child not be corrected, they need to be protected against somebody exploiting them.
As for the child, give him / her enabling environment, and provide necessary support, guidance and protection (where needed), the child would soon become a giant in the field of his / her choosing as he/she grows into adulthood. The mere feeling that whatever happens, you as a parent would always be there to support the child is a good enough nourishment (psychological) for the child to bloom.
Anybody listening?
Why don't the parents understand that no two individuals are made the same by Almighty? We are not the products of a production line, we are handcrafted (thus each item is different from others). Even for items produced through a production line, maybe one after the other, experience indicates that these similar products made on the same production line at nearly at the same time also behave differently. While one operates smoothly the other gives trouble. When there is no uniformity in the performance of items produced in the production line, how are children with distinct personalities, minds and bodies supposed to have the same nature and strength areas? Even to think so is illogical.
I have been a witness to the ill effects of such compassion constantly done by one or both parents (or even by near relatives, grandfather, grandmother, etc). But the examples that I am giving are representative but based on some experience.
One brother is brilliant and the other has been made to feel that he is not good enough so he has become an alcoholic. One sister is a beauty and grace and the other sister is belittled so she ends up doing all wrong. Such a constant act of parents may even result into to not so bright (in parents' opinion) child, when faced with failure, with fear of constant jibs by parents, ending his life. Why do we let our own children reach that despair?
The solution is very simple but I wonder how many would imbibe it. Understand and accept the fact that your offspring may share some virtues and vices of yours but he/she is an individual with own characteristics. Identify his / her strengths areas and weaknesses areas and use the fundamentals of the SWOT technique of management.
In SWOT technique (Duly adapted for this topic), the Strengths areas of the child should be identified and they are leveraged for making the best of the opportunities arising out of the strength area, As for Weaknesses, they are corrected when required such that they don't become Threats to the child's future and if weaknesses of the child not be corrected, they need to be protected against somebody exploiting them.
As for the child, give him / her enabling environment, and provide necessary support, guidance and protection (where needed), the child would soon become a giant in the field of his / her choosing as he/she grows into adulthood. The mere feeling that whatever happens, you as a parent would always be there to support the child is a good enough nourishment (psychological) for the child to bloom.
Anybody listening?
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